I really suck at updating lately. Sorry. I’m gonna do better. I started this last week when it was still relevant and even though it’s way outdated now (as far as blogs go, I guess), I’m still posting it. So…
SPD Season has officially come to a close. All three celebrations were a blast, but due to hilarity levels or perhaps my BAC, some parts stood out more than others. Here are the highlights:
- SPD Pub Crawl shirts are not green. Entirely unacceptable, but luckily it is not the Real St. Patrick’s Day so all hope is not lost for a fully green-themed day in NYC.
- Multiple sightings of the infamous TP…please see previous entry’s Creepy Ass Picture for reference.
- Make friends with someone wearing a shotglass necklace that matches Twin’s. (Tuesday she also made friends with someone with matching SPD antlers.)
- Enjoy a brief appearance of our little protege class of ’12 buddy (long story, this girl is awesome even though she is 19.)
- Frere and I drunkenly bond in a corner while Twin almost-successfully predators an attractive man at the bar. They chat for a long time.
- Twin and Suitor and Frere and I leave to get food. We are all very drunk. It becomes clear Frere and I are inadvertently crashing a spontaneous first date between Twin and Suitor. Suitor buys Twin food and drinks.
- I frantically text Twin that this is awkward. Fail; this made it more awkward.
- Suitor’s roommate appears and looks exactly like Prince William. I like him. His girlfriend shows up. Frere and I bond with Prince William’s gf. Twin and Suitor are still predatoring each other.
- Prince William’s gf mentions something about Suitor’s gf. My mouth gapes. She realizes Suitor did not make this clear. Prince William gets mad. I tell Twin.
- “Suitor has a girlfriend.” Prince William’s gf says Suitor’s gf lives in Germany. Everyone is confused.
- Suitor tells Twin he is sorry if he was misleading. He has a gf. She lives in Germany.
- Everyone is still confused.
- Twin leaves, bitter about Suitor. The next day she realizes she is much better off without him, because she remembers he told her his occupation.
- Suitor is a classical singer.
- During a mid-day break to procure some pre-drinking snacks at Duane Reade, Twin and I are cornered by an almost-attractive guy reeking of Jameson. This makes sense because he is also holding an openish (it had a pouring spout) bottle of it. He says hello and proceeds to drunkenly draw green shamrocks on our hands. Twin and I are overjoyed and then he tops it off by offering us 1pm shots of Jameson. Out of the plastic bag he’s holding. In the snack aisle at Duane Reade. We reluctantly decline and sink into a sober depression for the remainder of the afternoon.
- Leave work immediately at 6pm, forgetting to chug some of Twin’s flask of plastic-bottle vodka she brought with her. Arrive at classy establishment known as the Stumble Inn on the upper east side, realize with horror how sober we really are. Buy $6 Bud Lights and sprint to the bathroom. Do shots from Twin’s flask and chase with $6 Bud Lights.
- Little and friend (Twin named her Veronica) arrive. We buy pitchers of Bud Light for $12. Marvel at the fact that there are definitely more than 2 bottles worth of Bud Light in a pitcher. Collective BACs begin to catch up to the entire FDNY. I attempt to hold as many beers as possible:
- Ward off many beyond-wasted-middle-aged-and-likely-married firemen. Little is newly single and on a mission. She eventually makes out with 2 different guys, proving she still has game.
- Make friends with a random bagpiper who is chilling in the bar and is oddly attractive, though short (which is kind of Twin’s type…hehe).
- Entire bar begins yelling “He’s piping! He’s piping!” as the Bagpiper … begins piping. They stopped the music so he could do this.
- Little and Veronica are too drunk to know what’s going on. Twin and I are drunk but suddenly hate everyone and need pizza. Go next door, judge firemen and a random old, old woman in the pizza place. Eat greasy pizza. Decide we need to hit up Brother Jimmy’s across the street.
- Twin is immediately groped and predatored by some random slurring dude. After approximately 37 seconds, Slurring Dude declares he needs to hang out with Twin again, who has introduced herself as Marta. “Marta” announces she is from Vancouver, just visiting me. Slurring Dude is excited because he will be in Vancouver in two weeks. Repeats that he must see her again. Requests her number. Twin takes his phone. I observe and am fortunately too drunk to ruin the amazingness events that followed.
- Twin/”Marta” grabs Slurring Dude’s phone. Types in The Jew’s phone number (The Jew is one of our guy friends whose number we’ve memorized and who also conveniently does not screen phone calls). Looks up at Slurring Dude and says (as seductively as possible), “Call me when you’re in Vancouver.”
And the moral of this SPD Season is: Next year, we’re calling in sick to work.