Am I missing something here?

7 Apr

Mama Bird told me some bad news today. She no longer checks my blog every morning like she used to because…well, because I have stopped posting. I could offer excuses like work has taken over my life and made me really stressed since the 1st of April (it has), I’ve been too busy consuming ridiculous amounts of wine, beer, and other liquors to have any time to write about what happens when I do that too much (I have been), or I’ve had so much on my mind that the funny stories don’t flow as easily and I’m not quite ready to start blogging about the serious stuff (I have).

Or, I could just start posting as much I’d like to. It’ll take some shuffling of my time management skills, but I think I can make it work. I will, eventually, learn how to do it all.

For now, there’s been something on my mind that I hope hope hope will bring some commenters out of the wood-works. (Note: I realize the questions later are entirely rhetorical, but if you’re reading and you can relate – I would love to hear your insights.) It started last week when Mama Bird had the beginnings of a quarter-life crisis (she’s turning 25 in 2 weeks), to which I then decided I could completely relate, since I am the next of our close group of girls to turn 25 (in September). Then it continued to take over my wandering mind and culminated when I drunk-dialed Mama Bird Friday night at 11pm on my way home from 2 Texas-sized margaritas at Dallas BBQ (yeah, two).

I won’t speak for her this entire time, but to start off, it’s easier to use both of us as examples. Both of us are, for all intents and purposes, very happy with our lives. We both have great jobs that we actually enjoy, we both have active social lives, we are both physically fit and healthy (maybe with exception of our livers, but don’t those regenerate themselves?), we both live responsible, (relatively) financially secure lives. We’re both single, but we’re confident, beautiful girls (women? maybe not yet) with high expectations and ambitions for ourselves and others.

On a more personal note – I love my life right now. For the most part, I don’t want it to change. I can’t think of a life I’d rather be leading right now. But there’s just something not quite there. It’s so subtle, most of the time I don’t even notice. Even when I do notice, I can’t place my finger on what it is. Mama Bird feels it too – and I’m sure there TONS of other early- to mid-twenties girls in exactly the same position who know just what I’m talking about.

In the most basic, generalized way, I guess it is some kind of boyfriend, spouse, significant other, whatever. But when I start thinking about it, that’s not at all what it boils down to. If I wanted a boyfriend, I could rearrange my priorities so that finding one was higher up there. So that kindling a new relationship was more important to me. I’d stop giving out fake names and phone numbers. I’d maybe adjust some criteria or standards so that a real person could actually fit and meet them all.

Does it make me clueless or nuts to have no desire to do any of those things? Does it make me not ready for a ‘real’ relationship? Am I just selfish or is this something that makes sense?

What I just can’t figure out is why some people seem to have it all figured out – the dating thing, the relationships thing. Maybe they’re just really good at faking it or maybe they really do – but how? Why don’t I?

Mama Bird and I agree that our best friend B appears to have it all figured out. Now, I know she doesn’t, but when it comes to dating – whether she knows it or not – she has it down. She may not know what she’s doing right, but whatever she does, it’s right. B’s had one serious relationship in the two years since college, a couple short-lived-slash-on-and-off fling-type-things, a few guys others might say she dated (but she’d never refer to them as exes), and the guy she’s “dating exclusively” now.

So I guess what I’m saying – or asking – is: What separates me from B? I’m not talking attractiveness level, intelligence, or anything like that. I am confident in who I am and in the fact that B and I are different people; I know Mama Bird is, too. I’m fairly certain that every girl like me, on some level, wonders about this, though – just what is the difference between the people who have it all figured out and…me?

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5 Responses to “Am I missing something here?”

  1. Beth April 7, 2009 at 10:26 pm #

    I think it’s cool that you don’t obsess about finding the “it”. I mean, I didn’t obsess over it until I was 23 (when I started the blog) and forced myself to be more obsessed with it because I was way too content with being by myself. But like I say earlier on in my blog, I fully intend to be in a committed relationship someday and I just got nervous that my inability to pursue the “it” was going to be a problem.

    I just really have a theory that goes along with what you are saying… some people (like your friend B it sounds like) are just daters and some people are not. But I think everyone wants the it, regardless of if you are a “dater” or not.

  2. j April 10, 2009 at 9:11 am #

    They’re faking. They’ll be unhappily married and divorced before y’all turn 30. I used to feel the same way; I was so jealous of all of my friends and felt something missing. I really freaked out when I turned 27 because 30 was so close and I felt I was missing something. But it turned out that even though it looked like my friends had it all figured out and I was missing out it was all a sham. They almost all ended up divorced or unhappy. I waited until I found THE right guy and didn’t let feeling left behind pressure me into getting into something what wasn’t 100% right. Now they’re jealous of me. Just be patient.

  3. jane b. April 10, 2009 at 9:41 am #

    I think it’s one of those things, like how you can’t really have 100% of your life figured out — maybe they have a “perfect” boyfriend, but they feel really unsatisfied with their job. You’re a lucky one, because once you stop giving out fake names (haha, I used to do that too!) you’ll probably find a guy pretty easily. The job, that’s a lot harder to get right, so good for you!

    Also, I guess this is a common thing to go through — I’m about to turn 25 and I feel the lack too. Like, “I’m a whole quarter of a century old and what have I got to show for myself?” sort of thing.

  4. stacey April 27, 2009 at 11:55 am #

    I spent my twenties looking for the IT. Only found heartache. Forget IT girls and just do what you are doing. Great job — having fun — doing what YOU want to do. When the time is right IT will bonk you on the head. But remember, IT may not have been what you thought IT was going to be all along. oh yeah …

    and I’m WAY PAST a quarter century …… living with IT, and still saying “yeah, and now where did “the me” go? and still trying to create something (aside from a son!) Love IT — but wish IT lived next door. :))

  5. Rhiannon April 28, 2009 at 9:30 am #

    I want to speak for myself here, but I have recently been able to put my finger on what that persisting, tickling uncertainty from my early/mid-twenties is. For me, it’s the knowledge that at 27, I am considered an adult. However, when I look at my life, inspect my emotions and examine my desires, I don’t think I stand up to that title. It has a small bit to do with the desire to have a significant other in my life, but more than that, it is the realization that I’m not ready to include another person in my life yet. I have realized that I want to make MY life whole before I incorporate another life into mine. Along with this has come some serious goal-creation, timeline setting and tracking of progress. And I’ve made some really encouraging steps toward adulthood. I feel like I’m really almost there.

    So, generally speaking it has less to do with another person in your life than it does with making yourself the person – the Adult – who is READY to really have another person included in your life.

    That’s my experience anyway! :-D

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