Edit: I wrote this draft on Jan 26, just two days after getting back from visiting Cali Boy. Now, it’s been three weeks and, amazingly, this draft serves as the perfect introduction to the Cali Boy Update.
“I’ve been doing some thinking. I’ve decided that I’m pretty positive that if [Cali Boy] lived here, I would want to pursue something with him.”
“…Uh…is that news to you?”
Twin always, always knows things about me before I do. It drives me nuts. She’s nice enough to let me figure them out on my own, but once I do she makes it clear that she was way ahead of me.
Before I went, I felt that way, too. But I honestly wasn’t sure I’d feel that way after spending three days with him.
As Twin wisely pointed out, “You spend three full days with him and you both had a great time. Why WOULDN’T you want to pursue something if he lived here?”
Point taken. But now what?
Here are things I know:
- I like Cali Boy.
- I spent three days straight with Cali Boy and enjoyed every minute.
- I wish I could see Cali Boy again soon – like this weekend.
- California’s really fucking far away.
Someone tell me what to do.
Now, it’s been three weeks, like I said earlier. I’ve had a lot of time to digest and think and figure things out. The first week I was back on the east coast, Cali Boy and I only emailed a couple times. They were brief notes, but I didn’t really have anything else to say. Three days with someone one-on-one is a really long time if you think about it, so I wasn’t concerned about my lack of burning desire to talk to him everysinglesecond.
Then I went to Harrisburg to visit Mama Bird and B and had a great time rehashing the dirty little details of the trip. Mama Bird was horrified (in a good way) that her little Baby Bear was trying all kinds of new positions that actually relocated the bed multiple times and the sexy details are so not the point of this update but ohmygod they are really great. Sorry to be a tease.
Anyway, the more I thought about it, I really couldn’t tell if I liked Cali Boy for Cali Boy, or if I liked the idea of Cali Boy, or what. I couldn’t tell if it was so easy spending time with him because it was comfortable or if it was a result of complacency and the knowledge that after those three days we may never have to see each other again.
In the end, I am fairly confident it was comfortable because we were on the same page and we are attracted to each other and we like each other and we have great conversations and even when we ran out of things to say it was still nice just to be there.
However, I was a wreck of insecurity because he had not articulated to me that he was still on my same page. We’d been on the same page – the same sentence even – since day one. What if I’d jumped ahead? What if he had? What if what if what if. So I wrote him an email, casual and chatty, and then just flat-out asked him his impressions of my visit and where I stood with him. I was nervous to do this, since every other guy I’ve ever been interested in has taken my inclination to be direct and open as some sort of indication I am a psycho-clingy-chick-looking-for-my-soulmate. Note to boys: Don’t flatter yourselves. I just don’t play games.
Anyway, Cali Boy, of course, was totally receptive and wrote a really perfect email back. If I’d had actual expectations, he would have met them. He told me he thinks I’m really great, but that we still live on opposite coasts. (See #4 of Things I Know, above). It doesn’t make sense, he said, nor is it fair to either of us to build ourselves up on something that just isn’t feasible right now. He told me he knows from experience that he doesn’t handle LDRs very well; I’ve never had one, so I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Basically, we’re still on the same page. And I wrote back agreeing but also saying I hoped this semi-serious conversation didn’t change our dynamic, since I really like it how it is.
So to recap: We’re not in a relationship. We will not be starting one. I guess we’re friends, although I can’t see us not still sleeping together/acting like we’re together when we see each other next, which will probably be in April. And in the meantime, I decided a distraction would be the best way not to focus on the fact that I like a guy across the country so I did this for four days. For free. Best blog fodder ever!