The Eager Beaver, or Reason #8,492 Why I Don’t Date Online

20 Feb

It’s pretty exciting that I feel the need to apologize for not posting in “so long,” seeing as it’s only been five days. That means I’m getting better! Give me props. Thanks.

Anyway, earlier this week I mentioned I did this for four days for free. Besides sending a whopping 22 clicks to eHarmony (they should thank me – who of you signed up?) (uh, kidding), I also progressed really fast through their ridiculous communication stages.

My good friend B2 is a full-blown member, partly because she’s single but mostly so she can write hilarious stories for the world (or her 27 subscribers) to read. Anyway, when good ‘ole eHarmz announced yet again it was having a Free Communication Weekend, I figured what the hell. I already told you I need a distraction from Cali Boy, B2 made an entire blog out of her experiences; the least that can happen is I get some quality stories for you people (who I still believe exist, despite your recent silence…).

Those conniving bastards at eHarmz probably figured that by conveniently offering four full days of free communication over the long Valentine’s Day weekend they’d more successfully convince lonely, single hearts to join and continue their search for The One. Ha! Not me. I’ve done online dating and I’ve found it to be utterly and totally unsuccessful. Except for my mom who now basically lives with her boyfriend and they met on eHarmz and who I’m convinced is just an exception to the rule that online dating sucks. Anyway, despite my seasoned, wise worldview regarding virtually meeting someone special, I had nothing to lose by signing up for the free weekend. I had no intention of signing up (I still don’t) and said so in my profile. When asked if there was any extra information I’d like my matches to know, I pretty much spelled it out: “I’m doing the free weekend because I’m in town and I want to see what happens. I’m not signing up after Monday night, though, so we communicate now or never.”

Online dating is no place for games, coyness, teasing, or flirting. All that shit needs to be done in person (minus the games because those are stupid online and off). However, since I was cheating the system, eHarmz wouldn’t let me see my matches’ profile pictures. While most guys are paying members and could see my (super cute) pictures, all I got was a generic blue silhouette. Fine, whatever, I’m cheating anyway so I guess I deserve some mystery.

Anyway, I opened up my profile on Thursday night and by Saturday afternoon I’d reached open communication with one guy and was close to it with three others. While Bex and my quasi-stepsister Alex were hanging out in my room on Saturday night, I received my first gchat message from Wesley, 24, New York, NY. I was busy getting pretty for the night so Alex pretended to be me (surprisingly well) and chatted away. Earlier, Wesley had sent me a picture of himself – he wasn’t bad-looking. It was a slightly awkward angle, but I could see where he’d be cute. He also told me he thought I was “beautiful and very cute.” I don’t normally equate those two, but hey – thanks buddy. Fast forward to Sunday, when I am laying in bed hungover as shit, basically dying, and Wesley gchats me again. (Thank you BlackBerry for allowing me to gchat on my phone and therefore be horizontal and dying while pretending to be cute and lively online.) He once again tells me how gorgeous I am and asks if we can hang out. Today. On Valentine’s Day. Uh, no. One, I’m dying. Two, even if I were functional, you don’t have a first date/meeting on Valentine’s Day. That’s just ridiculous. Also, Wesley, chill. We’ve talked like twice. I don’t even know if you went to a real college.

Fast forward again to Monday, which was President’s (Presidents’?) Day and a day off work (!). Wesley gchats again (literally the second I signed on – which is automatic when I turn on my computer) and we start talking. He asks me to dinner that night. I oblige, figuring we might as well meet and also my plans for the evening originally involved taking myself on a date to see “Valentine’s Day.” Also, you only get so far on gchat. I see B2 online (at work – she is an insane workaholic) and tell her my short story. As she tells you here, she was at first jealous that I’d gotten a date in under four days when she has yet to be on one after 10 weeks. But then I said his name. Wesley. And she said, “Wait, MY Wesley?” I scrambled to check her blog.

“24?” She asks.

“Yeah, 5’9″?” I confirm.

“Oh…my…god. Did we get matched with the same guy? Is this Eager Beaver Wesley?!” She squeals.

Oh, absolutely, we discover. I sign into her account and sure enough – Eager Beaver Wesley fast-tracked her (aka, requested to skip every level of communication and go straight to emails). She left him in eHarmz Purgatory after seeing his height (she’s a modelesque 5’10”) but she hadn’t closed him. Do you understand what this means? I could see his other pictures!!!

But oh no. Oh. No. No no no no no.

At 5’5″, I cannot judge a guy for being a solid four inches taller than I am, even if I prefer the height difference to span something more like 7 or 8 inches. However, as a pretty freaking cute chick, I absolutely can judge a guy for being unattractive. And WOW was Wesley unattractive. His second picture was a much less awkward angle than the one he sent me, he had some weird chin-strap thing going on, and appeared to be closer to 5’7″ and about 135 lbs. NOT OK. Your BMI cannot be lower than mine unless you’re really, really tall.

Needless to say, I’m a judgmental and superficial bitch and I quickly told Wesley my mother had just called and was in town with her boyfriend and was taking me out to dinner. Then I closed down my free eHarmz account permanently, abandoning the other guys who hadn’t quite reached open communication with me yet. And then I took myself on a date – “Valentine’s Day” with Twizzlers, buttered popcorn, and a huge Diet Coke – and had a perfectly wonderful evening. By myself.

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4 Responses to “The Eager Beaver, or Reason #8,492 Why I Don’t Date Online”

  1. EH NoMore February 20, 2010 at 5:59 pm #

    hahahaha!!! Wesley’s wooing woes! YOUR (single) date sounds fabulous!

  2. frere February 22, 2010 at 2:00 pm #

    epic. that’s all.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. OkCupid London: The Really Sweet Online Gamer « Awesome, Awkward, Amazing, Absurd - March 10, 2011

    […] I joined OkCupid here in London. I know I’ve said multiple times in the past how much I hate online dating and how I will never do it again, but let me be clear: […]

  2. Accidental Sunday Funday, or Why I Should Maybe Reconsider Online Dating | Awesome, Awkward, Amazing, Absurd - April 8, 2011

    […] if you haven’t, please go read about Eager Beaver Wesley. And why I really, honestly, hate online dating. I have so many other horror stories that at this […]

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