I sure don’t.
Why? Oh, because they’re becoming real stepsisters on June 12.
Remember when Alex and I made that joke about how our parents are dating and it’s awkward but we like each other so let’s make up a term for each other that sort of embodies that? No? Well here. It was less than a month ago.
If you read that before, you know I jokingly asked my mom and Bill to “get on that.” THAT being getting married. JOKINGLY being the operative word here, people.
So this past Sunday, when my mom came in and when Frere and I were slightly hungover and when I made my tiny little immediate family of three a delicious Easter breakfast, this past Sunday when my mom giddily exclaimed that our family was more than doubling in size…to say I was a little shocked would be the understatement of the year.
Wait. Strike that. After the last nine months, my mom announcing an engagement was not that shocking. The shocking part was the subsequent date of these upcoming nuptials. June 12. Of this year. Yes, that is 2 months from now. Yes, that is less than one year since my mom met this man.
Please forgive me while this blog becomes an outlet for my utterly confused emotional state for the next few to several posts. There’s a lot I have to say and think about and figure out.
A few examples: It amazes me how easily a “family” can be split or merged or changed in such a drastic way. For how big these changes are, they sure seem to happen quickly. My sibling count is doubling. As R1 pointed out, when she met me in 2001, I had one brother. Now I will have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. My mom will now step into a co-parenting role with someone other than my dad. My mom will be a stepmom. My mom will begin helping to raise two young girls. Two young girls who are actually far older than their ages would suggest, who lost their mom not so long ago, and who most definitely do not want a stepmom. I can’t stop thinking about this is dichotomous terms: This affects me so greatly and yet I am so hyper-conscious of what the younger girls’ perspectives are. On many levels I relate: I have a stepmom and I’ve done the whole combine-the-family thing. On other levels I would never dream of trying to understand: Having a father be your primary caretaker, having just one parent instead of two, experiencing any kind of death.
What seems to be hardest right now is as I’m putting these pieces together, these pieces being my current, old, and new family dynamic(s), I feel as though I’m regressing into an adolescent. It’s an odd sensation. It’s odder to be aware of it. And to know that while I am 25 years old and while I have been living on my own, supporting myself, for the last 3 years, in this emotional compartment I am still very much the 13 year old girl who’s dad just splintered the family into two pieces. Having these pieces multiple and take on lives of their own – a full 12 years later – is incredibly unnerving.
The stepdad thing is actually not really even on my radar. Maybe because I don’t really know what a dad-type-person is supposed to look like, traditionally at least, or maybe it’s because I’m 25 or maybe it’s because I’ve only met this mysterious stepdad a handful of times. Regardless, everything else is really paramount in my mind right now.
Anyway, the point is I have a lot to sort out and it’s really hard for me but it has to happen if I’m going to come to terms with having an immediate family nearly quadruple the size of that which I was originally meant to have.