It has recently occurred to me that I have no idea what I’m doing. This could easily apply to my entire life, which is fine, but I can generally slide by without that knowledge really hitting me.
Well, I leave for London in 3 days and guess what? It hit me.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
This realization, of course, has decided to manifest itself into a huge knot of all-consuming self-doubt, which is both angering and terrifying and ridiculous and totally normal.
The going-to-London opportunity came about for me for many reasons, two of which stand out the most here: First, I’m really good at my job and this is proof that the company knows it. Second, I’m really good at going after a wisp of an opportunity and forcing it to solidify. I know I’m going to London as a direct result of my hard work and persistence.
I also know that I put myself out on the line to do this and … there’s a chance of failure. SHOCKER. I want to scream to myself, “You idiot, OF COURSE there is a chance of failure. You’re taking a risk and risks are inherently linked to failing!”
But here’s the thing. The scariest part isn’t the chance of failure – because the chance of success is so much greater and I know that on some level even if I can’t convince myself of it right now. The most terrifying thing about this is that, as my boss put it today, this is an experience with a GIANT question mark on the other side of the door.
That damn question mark has been plaguing me all week long. It’s gotten to the point where I’m irritable about everything and want to crawl into a hole or bury my head in the sand. I crave change, I thrive on it, and yet when it comes hurtling at me at faster speeds than I can imagine, I want to curl inside myself and retreat. I can’t seem to reconcile the burning desire to burst out of my personal bubble and the knee-jerk reaction that threatens to turn the bubble into a steel sphere.
I think my goal for being in London for 6 weeks is to re-teach myself how to go with the flow. To have confidence in myself – and more so in others – and to have faith that in the end, things will work out for the best. Because in my experience, no matter how much I freak out beforehand, they always do.