TTMO: Bruno Mars Needs to Move On and So Do You

3 Mar

Breakups are hard. They are really sad and heartbreaking. For girls and guys alike (well, “guys” being my brother), being dumped can and does bring waves of self-doubt, insecurity, hopelessness, and that dreaded, awful, unanswerable question of, “What’s wrong with me?”.

Inspired by endless friends’ breakups, several sites ostensibly for single (as in, not married) women, as well as every single radio station’s inclination to play Bruno Mars’ “Grenade” in such a repetitive manner that I’m actually starting to hate him as an artist, I bring you:

TTMO: TIME TO MOVE ON.

Knowing when it’s TTMO is sometimes a huge challenge, but lucky for anyone struggling with the concept, there are countless lists, suggestions, and articles to supposedly guide you through the process. Redacted Guy over at Lemondrop.com tells you how he’s done it a few times, but offers few platitudes. However, he does arrive at a “Halfsies Metric” which suggests you can be sad and “not over it” for half of the time the relationship lasted. He says,

“If you were just dating someone for a little bit, even if you really were crazy about him, and you broke up, you don’t get to whine about it for longer than the relationship actually lasted.

Perhaps there’s our metric. You dated for two months? You get like a month. Let’s go halfsies here. A year-long relationship gives you a six month Whine & Complain For Free card. If the relationship was less then [sic] a month, really, keep the moaning to yourself.”

That’s fair, I think. Other tips could include any of the following:

  • He has a new, serious, long-term girlfriend.
  • He is engaged/married.
  • You never actually went on a date.
  • He’s in love with your best friend.
  • He makes out with other girls. In front of you.

These are all crystal clear signs that he’s moved on and you should, too. At the risk of sounding insensitive, why do you even want to be with a guy who does all these things? Well, I’ll tell you. YOU DON’T! You (the “you” here being any girl or guy in the entire world) owe yourself some self-respect and you deserve someone who will treat you like the amazing person you are.

Actually, another idea is to listen to Bruno Mars’ “Grenade”, let it sink in how fucking pathetic he sounds, and do the exact opposite. Which would be: Stop whining and move on.

If you’re not familiar with the song, let me recap it for you. It goes like this:

Bruno Mars is in unrequitedly in love with a chick who takes him for granted. Actually, she just walks all over him. And he needs to sing about how sad he is about it and how she just throws everything he gives her in the trash. (My favorite line is when he belts out so emotionally, “Tossed it in the trash YES YOU DIIIIID!“). He’s talking about all his love. Clearly, she doesn’t love him back. Now, she may be a bitch for leading him on, but mother of god sweet baby jesus, Bruno Mars you need to move the fuck on. Your moping makes me sick. It’s not romantic to tell a girl you’d catch a grenade, throw your hand on a blade, jump in front of a train, go through all this pain, take a bullet to your brain, and DIE FOR HER when she could give two shits about you. No, that’s not romantic, it’s nauseating.

So, all you recent dumpees, broken-hearted souls, I implore you to focus on the future – mourn the loss of the relationship however you need to and then move on. Please don’t listen to Bruno Mars and continue on a self-pitying path to mopey-ville, because his crippling inability to move on is enough for us all.

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