After my mom sent me this card while I was in London, I took a picture and made it my computer background. I figured I could use a daily reminder to make the choice to have The Best Day every day. To me, that doesn’t mean that every day is perfect or fun or even good. It means that I’m living on purpose, that I’m taking an active role in my day, and that I’m making the decision that every day is as good as it can be.
The thing is, ever since I came back from London, I’ve been totally stuck. I feel angsty. I’m 26 years old and I feel angsty. Like, we’re talking Dawson’s Creek-type shit. Like, my Grooveshark playlist lately has been country music and TORI AMOS. Are you kidding me? There’s literally nothing that screams mid-90’s-angst more than Tori Amos’ “Crucify”.
I need to get a grip, is what I need to do. Every day is not the best day of the year right now; in fact, I feel more like I’m just waiting on the sidelines for the best day to happen. As hard as I’m trying (and I really am) to actively participate in my life, I feel like I’m failing.
I want to do so many things and instead of doing them, I’m just not doing them. When I went to find the .jpeg for the Emerson quote, I found this image in my Blogging Folder:
Thoughts of what I’m not doing are taking over my mind. I’m not working out, I’m not eating healthy foods, I’m not writing as much as I want to (or really at all), I’m not as organized as I want to be, I’m not doing laundry as regularly as I want to, I’m not getting enough sleep, I’m not saving enough money.
There are really simple solutions to all of this. Go to the gym, buy groceries, stop shopping, put away your clothes, go to bed on time. For some reason, though, I’m not doing anything to change anything that’s making me unhappy, stuck, frustrated, angsty. Instead, I’m listening to Tori Amos on repeat, ordering way too much Thai food, staying up way too late for no reason, and remaining completely stuck.
I guess what I want is one large sweeping solution to everything all at once and when that proves too overwhelming, I become paralyzed and – you guessed it – stuck. (Because when you’re paralyzed, you can’t move. Get it?) I know in my head that baby steps and mini-goals are the way to go, but I’m frustrated and I want things better right now. I’m an instant-gratification-type-girl, which is way unhelpful right about now.
I haven’t been able to articulate this at all so far, so I think this is a good step (even though I still don’t think I’m articulating as well as I could be … notice a pattern there?). So I’ll count this as an infant step. I still want Tori Amos on my Grooveshark (even though Grooveshark’s judging me and telling everyone I’m “obsessed” with “Crucify”). Maybe I won’t order Thai food for a while and maybe this weekend I’ll get some good sleep.
And even if I can’t find the motivation to write it on my heart that every day is the best day of the year, maybe if I start with some light sketches it’ll come a little easier.