Chronicles of the Unimpressive Gents: The Lazy Dude, Part II

31 Aug

So, as I explained in Part I, this particular Unimpressive Gent didn’t start out as such. In fact, it was so clear he was interested in me and I’d had such a good time (read: I got so tipsy) that I was excited when, at the end of date numero uno, he asked me out again.

The issue there was that the following week I had plans every single night, including two other OkCupid dates. That would have been fine, except the week after that I was leaving for Maine with my family for the entire week. As I explained this to him, it was immediately clear he thought I was bullshitting. And honestly, I’d have thought the same thing if the situation were reversed. When a guy tells me he’ll be unavailable for a whole two weeks after just meeting me, I question his actual interest. Except my interest was as genuine as all my plans were!

I even went so far as to call myself out, hoping he’d see that I got where he was coming from and that it was totally wrong. I kissed him again and said goodnight, knowing the ball was in my court.

And here’s where it gets interesting. But by interesting, I mean frustrating and totally unimpressive. I’m absolutely fine with having the ball in my court at times. Yeah, I want guys to make the first move and express interest, but I also like to express my own interest. But here’s the thing, boys: When the ball’s in my court and I pick it up and serve, hit it back.

In our initial conversations, this gent and I had both asserted that we were laid back types up for anything. I guess this is where I went wrong.

I’m laid back and up for anything with my friends. I’d be laid back and up for anything with a boyfriend. But if you want to try and date me? Impress me. Decide on a day, time, and location, and ask me out. Don’t put the onus on me. I’m happy to help with the decision – you choose the neighborhood, I’ll choose the place or vice versa. But don’t get all wishy-washy because you’re not coming across as relaxed, you’re coming across as lazy and not that into me. And guess what? I don’t want to date a lazy guy who’s not that into me. Shocking, I know.

So I served the ball and emailed him. And then I waited for three days, when he g-chatted me at 9:30am. But did he ask me out then? No, he blathered on about loving his couch. And how he wishes he could live on his couch. And do everything on his couch. Dude, I don’t give a shit about your couch. Are we going out again or not? So I asked him. His reply was so passive and infuriating I immediately regretted the entire exchange.

To save you the pain of the actual conversation, which actually took place over three days, I’ll give you the abridged version. He played the hand of “Maybe I’m too busy now, like you were last time,” then agreed to go out, and then told me where to meet him six hours before we were scheduled to meet. He was definitely diving into my Unimpressive Gents barrel at this point.

I made a real effort to maintain a positive attitude and give him a solid second chance, but to no avail. Over the course of our date, he just kept diving deeper and deeper into my Unimpressive Gents barrel. At one point, I told him about the giant, horrific cockroach I’d had to kill with a 90-second spray of hairspray and kitchen tongs the other weekend. To any normal person, this story is funny and ridiculous and gross and engaging. To this guy, this story led to the following conversation:

Lazy Dude, not even cracking a smile: I mean, cockroaches aren’t that bad.

Me, agape with horror: What? YES! Yes, they are. They are disgusting.

LD, tone insistent: Well, they’re not as bad as bedbugs.

Me, in my head: Why the fuck is this a conversation now?

Me, aloud, still horror-stricken: Ok, yes, this is true. Bed bugs are the worst. But roaches are still disgusting.

LD, still arguing: They’re actually cleaner than mice, though.

Me: I don’t care. Mice are furry and have cute ears. Roaches are absolutely mind-bogglingly disgusting.

LD: No, I mean, technically, germ-wise, you could live with cockroaches.

And that’s when I checked out. Any gent who tells me he would be ok with living with cockroaches either has them or as creepy as the bug itself. Either way, I don’t want to be dating him.


3 Responses to “Chronicles of the Unimpressive Gents: The Lazy Dude, Part II”

  1. datingchic3000 August 31, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

    oh no that horrible why would he even want to talk about that any way lol

  2. hijabeng September 2, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    Good Lord, he sounds like a good time. I’m going to start chronicling (sp?) my dating adventures, too. At least somebody can experience the joys I’ve endured.

  3. COCKSman April 1, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

    He should have complimented your heroism for slaying the evil cockroach! THEN he could have gone on to talk about the cleanliness and friendliness of roaches to tease you. PULL PUSH. To do all one or the other would become boring.

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