Your Boyfriend’s Not Invited

17 Oct

Maybe it’s because it’s birthday season. Maybe I’ve been organizing more RSVP-needed events lately. Maybe I’ve just been attending more of them. Whatever it is, something weird has been happening…

It all started when I had my birthday party a few weeks ago. A close friend of mine sent in her affirmative RSVP … and included her boyfriend. I’d met this particular boyfriend just twice, though they’d recently moved in together. In what I think is an understandable reaction, I was pretty put off by this presumption. He hadn’t been invited, nor did he actually know any of the other guests attending – including me!

He ended up being out of town and, anyway, my birthday party was an absolute blast. I’m sure I’d have had just as much fun had he attended.

But then it happened again. And again. And lately, every organized event has culminated in some girlfriend being unable or unwilling to leave her boyfriend at home!

Here’s the thing – he wasn’t invited. Not only was he not invited, but he also doesn’t know any of the other people going. On top of those things, these are Reservation Required events – random people can’t just tag along, even if the random people are serious boyfriends.

But you know what the real problem here is? It’s not that these girls have become units with their boyfriends – something that inherently drives me nuts. It’s the presumptuousness of it all!

Living arrangements and relationship status makes no difference, really, though the pattern as of late has been the girl with the newly-moved-in-boyfriend.

If you lived with your parents and you were invited to a birthday party, would you bring them along without asking? Do you automatically invite your roommates everywhere you’re asked, even if they have never met the other parties?

Even when you have a friend new to town and you want to introduce her to all your amazing, wonderful, engaging friends – don’t you first ask if it’s ok that you bring her?

The thing that upsets me – no, it actually enrages me! – is the presumption attached to the “Oh, I’m bringing so-and-so.”

So, friends, please – when you get an invitation and it doesn’t have some version of “the more the merrier,” go ahead and ask whether it’s ok if you bring someone else.


7 Responses to “Your Boyfriend’s Not Invited”

  1. Drea October 18, 2011 at 3:42 pm #

    I mean, I fucking love that you wrote this. I feel like this is such a weird topic for people our age, but let’s just get this out there: Sometimes, you don’t get a plus one. And sometimes, I just want to hang out with my friend. And, sometimes, I don’t just assume you and the-guy-or-girl-you-are-currently-receiving-orgasms-from-(hopefully)-on-a-regular-basis is in the headcount.

    And then there are couples where you assume inviting one means inviting the other…. because that’s what they always do. STOP DOING THAT.

  2. Sassy Marmalade October 18, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

    Love this and completely agree!

  3. hijabeng October 19, 2011 at 3:31 pm #


    Seriously tho, sometimes it’s between the uninvited SO, or losing the friend completely. Does it make me a curmedgeon that I’d rather lose the friend completely?

  4. J October 20, 2011 at 12:09 am #

    I have a friend who moved in with her boyfriend (after like a month of dating, by the way) and now I never see her alone anymore. At first I was surprised to see him show up to events like an ALL-GIRL happy hour, but now I’m used to it. Sighhhh. He’s actually a really nice guy but I kinda want my friend back.

  5. Wendy October 26, 2011 at 9:34 pm #

    I understand on a girls night out, or something along those lines that is a closed get together, but in adult life people are married and or have significant others. I am curious as to why you would assume they are NOT invited unless you say otherwise? It doesnt seem that your problem is not having enough supplies, but that they are deigning to bring someone to your function without your explicit invite. Doesnt that seem kind of rude? It’s because they don’t know anyone? This would for sure make a terrible first impression of how open you and your friends are to new people.

    You said you met the man twice, yet he didn’t know anyone including you…that’s putting yourself way up there on a pedestal isn’t it? Maybe you should be grateful someone who doesn’t know you very well wishes to join in the festivities of celebrating your birth. From the attitude, you are in the wrong, not them. It is presumptious of you to assume that living together, or being in a relationship doesn’t matter which is ignorance at best.

    In a society of people who are already pushing out other people from their circles as easily in real life as they do on facebook, it just seems petty and childish. We aren’t in third grade, why exclude the new kid cause they arent in our circle of friends?

    This whole post reminds me of the scene at the birthday party in Problem Child. Mean, mean, mean.

  6. the AGED Auntie December 19, 2011 at 6:37 pm #

    I think it is always good to be clear. Normally in the adult world if guests are okay there is an RSVP that allows you to put a “plus one” or the invite will say and Guest. Either way is fine — no one in this world should make assumptions either way — so when in doubt ask. That’s the way it was even when I was in high school. Ask — assume and you RUN THE RISK of making and ASS of you and me! :)) (cardinal rule for years!!)

  7. your wrong March 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    First off this is from a guy’s perspective. If one of my fiance’s friends is having a birthday party that is just girls go ahead and have fun. The problem comes when its not an exclusive girls event but a general event for all of your friends yes then you extend the invite to significant others. Other wise the fact that you don’t want him around is because its makes you look at yourself and say what am I doing wrong being alone. You have to look in the mirror and say im growing up and so are my friends. I can tell you if my fiance’s friends acted like that towards me I’d stop that real quick and not even invite them to our wedding. It selfish and self centered and hopefully you meet some one that does the same thing to you.

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