Having Doubts, Being Scared, and Moving Forward Anyway

10 Apr

The last time – actually, the only time in my life – I completely ignored a Mental Plan and went with my gut, I was deciding where to go to college. I’d been accepted to my top choice; I’d told all my friends and their parents that that’s where I was going. Yet, there was something holding me back from signing the acceptance letter. When I received the acceptance from Gettysburg, it all clicked.

I sent in my deposit without a second thought.

In that moment – which has defined a huge portion of my adult life – I knew I had to trust my gut, despite the fact that it was entirely at odds with what my head had been thinking for months.

Since then, I’ve taken some pretty great risks and succeeded beautifully. I completed a semester with a full-immersion language program in France, even though I was “only” a French minor. I flew to California to visit a boy I’d met just one weekend, just to see what could happen. I went to London on two weeks notice for over two months without knowing a single person in the city.

I’m good at pushing myself, I think, but only so far. I never really actually leave my comfort zone; I just sort of tiptoe around the edges of it. The risks I take always have a very clear safety net, so even when I’m nervous or scared or anxious, I know that no matter what happens, the landing will be soft.

With my whole “I’m moving to LA” THING, I’m completely on board. But I think Amber’s brain hamsters got annoyed at how much control she has over them lately, because they are running rampant in MY head now.

“Where will you live?” They ask. “How will you afford to move with no income?” “Do you even know how to buy a car?” “When was the last time you even drove a car?” “You won’t make any friends, you know, because everyone there already has their friends.”

Seriously, they are being such assholes to me. They are starting to drown out all the support of my friends and family – and there’s a lot of support there! They are forcing me to dwell on all the scary stuff that comes with ignoring a Mental Plan and listening to my gut.

The hardest part, right now, is pushing forward. I know this is the right decision for me, even though it’s totally different from anything I’ve ever done. I know it’s the right decision because it’s totally different from anything I’ve ever done.

Almost 10 years ago, I went with my gut and ended up having a blast for four years. What makes me think this will be any different?

6 Responses to “Having Doubts, Being Scared, and Moving Forward Anyway”

  1. suki April 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

    No difference – you can do it! <3

  2. Katie (@DateMeDCBlog) April 10, 2012 at 1:10 pm #

    We all wish we had taken more risks. Do it. There will still be a soft landing because you have friends and family who love you.

  3. Jenna April 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    Well, if it makes you feel any better, you WILL have friends here – quite a lot of us actually :) I know it’s scary, but anything new and challenging and great always is. Just from the little I know of you, I know you will excel at this too! You can do it.

  4. Andrea Isasi (@andreaki) April 11, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

    “You won’t make any friends, you know, because everyone there already has their friends.”

    That’s absolutely not what’s going to happen. Don’t listen to the brain hamsters.

  5. socaltj April 14, 2012 at 11:23 pm #

    While I think self doubts are normal in making big decisions (…and I certainly have them in my plans to escape California in March 2013….). However, in response to one of your rhetorical questions, I happen to know at least one person who lives in the greater Los Angeles region who DOESN’T already have “HIS FRIENDS” (in SoCal), and who is super excited to meet you and can only hope the result of such a meet is awesome friendship. So there’s that. :)

  6. Jensingsworld@gmail.com December 17, 2012 at 11:49 am #

    SOCALTJ… I am doing the same. Would like to talk to you ;)
    I am too moving to SF in March 2013 and going through all sorts of emotions. My friends have been negative too thinking of worse case scenerios. I think I have decided to stay away from those that are making it difficult for me. I am completely sure I want to do this but it’s a total new feeling and situation I have never experienced. With no risk there is no reward?

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