The Crazy Chick You Think Only Exists in Movies

21 Mar

While I love writing about boys and all the adventures they bring to my life, I haven’t written about any frisky bedroom escapades in quite a while. About two years, to be exact. And those are all password protected now. (HI COWORKERS! HI MOM!)

But there’s this one story I keep forgetting to tell. In fact, I keep forgetting it happened at all until I remember and crack up and think to myself, “I have GOT to write that down!” The premise of the story is the hookup, but as you’ll see, sexy-times are so not the point here.

It was fall of 2010, the peak of my drunken-low-standards phase. Making good life decisions was just not something I was interested in doing for a while.

I met this guy through a friend, as it happens when you’re not making good life decisions, ended up back at his apartment that night. Some more-than-G-rated things are happening and it’s all good fun, but his phone just kept buzzing. And buzzing. And buzzing.

“Um, do you need to get that?” I asked.

“Nah, it’s just my psycho ex girlfriend.”

As he turned off his phone, a horrifying thought occurred to me. “Does she know she’s your ex?” I asked, ready to cut and run. (I wasn’t making such bad life decisions that I was ok with hooking up with guys already in relationships.)

He laughed it off and said of course she does, that they broke up six months ago, and that she’s just seriously crazy and still totally in love with him.

At this point, the mood for doing fun things in varying levels of clothing was kind of awkwardly just not there anymore, so we lay back to go to sleep … when his buzzer rings. The buzzer you buzz to be let into the apartment.

We both bolt upright and I demand an explanation.

“I thought she might do that,” he sighs. The fact that he wasn’t in total shock that this girl would appear at his doorstep in the middle of the night is mind boggling to me. (Did I mention it was a Sunday?)

His apartment buzzer buzzes for about ten minutes – TEN! MINUTES! – until he finally DISCONNECTS IT FROM THE WALL.

But this nutjob of a psychotic girl is not to be deterred. She begins buzzing his neighbor. We can hear it through the walls and it’s awkward because it’s legitimately 3am at this point.

Finally, the buzzing stops. We breath sighs of relief and close our eyes. Except then there’s a pounding on the door.

(Seriously, I swear this is all true. I think this is why I forget it happened, though, because it all seems so freaking unreal.)

Anyway, so there I am, in this guy’s bed, with his (supposed) ex-girlfriend literally pounding on his door, crying his name (like sobbing-crying, but also yelling-crying), and generally disturbing every ounce of my being.

Just as this gent turned his phone on to call the cops (as well as see a total of 47 text messages from this chick), she gave up and went home. Or passed out in the hallway, but at least she was gone in the morning.

This is why guys think girls are crazy.

Because some of them are.

Tofu Noodles & Fake Chicken, or Meatless March Update

19 Mar

A month ago, after I finished my very first cleanse, I was pretty much driving the Healthy Habits Bandwagon. I gave up all milk-based products and went to the gym and felt fantastic.

Then I lost two more pounds and got cocky, so guess what? The Healthy Habits Bandwagon told me I wasn’t a qualified driver anymore. Feeling dejected and puffy and also after making a huge mistake by reading that disgusting, graphic chapter about meat in Skinny Bitch, I decided to be a vegetarian for the month of March.

Thus began my constant internal conflict between wanting to eat meat (primarily bacon) and thinking it’s disgusting, rotting flesh (screw you, Skinny Bitches). At first, this bordering-on-unstable struggle inside my head illustrated that I just needed to get out of the habit of eating meat all the time. Kind of like how I got out of the habit of eating cheese with everything and now I just don’t really want it.

But then, it’s like, I want bacon. Or fried chicken and waffles. I don’t even like fried chicken (except the kind my grandma makes for picnics in the Snake River Canyon), but it became this thing I wanted constantly simply because I told myself it wasn’t allowed.

Newsflash: It’s way easier to give up a food that makes you feel like shit than it is to give up a food you really love just because some skinny vegans wrote a fear-mongering book and you accidentally read the wrong chapter.

But even so, my word for 2012 is COMMIT, and I’m neurotic enough to absolutely have to follow through.

So I’ve been eating a lot of chickpeas and celery and bread and pitas and hummus (which, hi, is actually more chickpeas) and avocado and more bread and some tomatoes and onions. After a few weeks, that’s gotten really freaking boring. Also, most of my diet was just carbs. You know what meat does? Adds options of the non-carb-variety.

Alas, I made a commitment.

Then, one night I went grocery shopping and found these tofu noodles I’d heard about on the Food Network’s Hungry Girl show. Situated right next to the fake noodles were the fake chicken cutlets! I could pronounce all the ingredients in them and they were reasonably priced ($5 for four cutlets). Also, yay fake imitation food that’s actually healthy and good for you!

So basically I figured out a way to have a super healthy meal of “chicken and linguine in tomato sauce” without consuming ALL THE CARBS or any meat. The “chicken” was awesome, but no, it doesn’t taste like real chicken. Except that real chicken doesn’t really have that much flavor, so it kind of does.

And the noodles are … well, they are tofu noodles. Pretty much flavorless until you put something on them and chewier than real pasta. If you’re a person who hates weird textures, never eat these.

I just happen to be one of those freaks who loves tofu.

In conclusion, I’m probably going to turn this Meatless March Challenge into a Meatless Life Habit. Except for maybe sushi.

Wine & Love v.5

15 Mar

Hosted by Nora

This is the longest I’ve ever stuck with any blog theme, so yay for that! Everyone should be doing this, really, so go over and link up with Nora and don’t forget to tell me what you’re loving and w(h)ining about this week!

… Wines …

  • One of my very best friends lost a dear family member this week and I can’t be there to give her hugs. She’s been there for me through pretty much every big family event in the last 12 years; this is the first one of hers I’ll miss. It breaks my heart.
  • I seem to be stuck in this cycle where, when I drink, which is maybe once a week, the drinking extends into hours on end. Then, predictably, I feel like shit the next day – even if I’m just exhausted. Balance really needs to regain its spot as a top priority in my life.
  • Week two where I want to throw all my things away. I wonder how long I should feel like this before I actually do something about it!

… Loves …

  • Love, love, loving all the songs by First Aid Kit. Listening to their country-folk songs inspired me to start listening to Paul Simon’s Graceland album, which is another of my all-time favorites.
  • Spring is here – almost! It’s been super warm and sunny this week in NYC and since we gained that extra hour, I’ve been able to walk home from work! What a treat!
  • I met a boy who actually called me and who actually wants to take me on a date. It’s been a terribly long time since I’ve had this happen without the insecurity of ulterior motives haunting me.
  • Being a vegetarian this month has had some ups and downs, but I finally discovered some meatless recipes I am in love with! I’ll have to share them soon!
  • I’m getting a haircut this weekend! My hair is very fine, so it only grows so long, and it’s at that length now. (Which is to say it’s creeping down toward my elbows. It’s long.) I’m excited to chop off several inches for a new, spring-y hairstyle!

Flirting Fail

14 Mar

Last week, I introduced you to the concept of the Two Prong Dating Approach, in which – as you know – I am one of the two prongs involved. Aside from the two adventures C and I are planning, I’m also trying to be more outgoing and flirtatious with gents I actually find attractive. (I’m very good at being flirtatious with gents I do not find attractive, which really never works out in my favor. Or theirs.)

Anyway, one evening I find myself at some bar for happy hour with friends. I lean against the bar to order a drink and – lo and behold – the bartender is gorgeous. Tall, dark hair, light eyes … and an accent! I was obviously immediately in love and, since I’d had three Bud Lights, was tipsy enough to have the confidence to flirt completely shamelessly.

I decide the perfect approach will be to highlight my sporty-girl prowess to this Euro-Hottie. And the subsequent (fairly one-sided) flirtation goes like this:

“So, where are you from?” I could already tell he was Irish, but I wanted to play it cool.

Irishness confirmed, I continue, “Are you a football fan?”

Predictably, he asks me to clarify whether I mean “my” football or “his.” Feeling extra cool at this point, I smile and say I mean his. Sadly, he says he isn’t really a fan.

I play out my disappointment with what I’m sure is a charming grin and say, “That’s too bad! We’re going to watch the football game on Saturday!”

Confused, he asks me to clarify what the hell I’m talking about.

“You know, the game! It’s Ireland and Scotland! You should come and help us cheer for Ireland.” At this point, I’m just thrilled with my superior European sports knowledge and pretty much on top of the world.

Until he looks at me with a look that perfectly combines pity, amusement, and something else that suggests I’m about to be very embarrassed.

“Um,” he says, “That’s a rugby game.”

Sorry, but this post is all about dead animals. In a funny way, I swear.

9 Mar

Every night for the past three months, I’ve gone to sleep listening to a yelling cat. This thing yells and yells outside my window for hours. Just like this. I swear.

I call him The Dying Cat, but clearly he’s not dying since he’s been yelling about who knows what for months on end.

At first, I was nervous about the cat. What if he really was a dying cat? I mean, like, what if there was this starving stray cat yelling outside my window? I’m not nervous about the cat coming in my room – I’m on the fourth floor and I know cat’s can’t jump that high. I’m concerned the cat will die and I’ll be all the way up here listening to it yell itself to death.

You know how I feel about dirty mice dying in my bedroom; can you imagine the trauma I’d suffer if this poor cat was just starving and yelling to death outside? I’d probably enter some kind of catatonic state of horror. Or maybe I’d take up yelling just like the cat did. (Like it does. Since it’s not dead.)

But anyway, the cat’s totally not dying. He’s just angry about something. Or maybe he just has a lot to say?

Here’s the other thing. I’ve never seen The Dying Cat. He’s like this mysterious dying cat ghost, except ghosts are already dead and this cat’s probably not even sick.

Also you can’t see outside in the dark when the lights are on inside. So maybe that has something to do with it, too.

My main point here is that lately there have been a lot of dying animals around me. I mean, maybe I’m exaggerating since there’s really just been one dead animal in my vicinity in my entire life, excluding roadkill, but who counts the roadkill they see? Do people do that?

I’m sorry, what was I talking about? Right. The Dying Cat outside my window.

What I’d really like to know is this: If this cat isn’t just angry, but if he’s already dead and he’s also angry, then what did I do to deserve being haunted by an Angry Dying Cat Ghost?


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